As I walk this great unknown Questions come and questions go Was there purpose for the pain? Did I cry these tears in vain?
I don’t want to live in fear I want to trust that You are near Trust Your grace can be seen In both triumph and tragedy
I have this hope In the depth of my soul In the flood or the fire You’re with me and You won’t let go
But sometimes my faith feels thin Like the night will never end Will You catch every tear Or will You just leave me here?
Lyrics from the Song: I Have This Hope By: Tenth Avenue North
I heard this song on the way in to work today and felt the need to share some of its lyrics. Some friends and acquaintances have told me that I am the strongest person that they know. But only those who have the same deep understanding and faith in our loving God truly recognize where my strength comes from. And my closest friends and family also know that I am not the same person that I was before Makenzie left us. My heart always remembers this Bible verse:
“And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you” John 14:16-17.
Finding positivity in the midst of deep sadness is not easy. We all need help and encouragement. I have been blessed with appointed individuals who were sent along my path at just the right time to give me hope and to help me find the positivity. And I feel that I too have been placed along the way as others try to find their way through their own personal grief journey.
Sharing the Godwinks gives me hope and even joy. Little affirmations in my life that help keep me moving in the right direction; so that I know that I am not alone. Many people have shared their Godwinks with me and it gives me delight to see the handiwork of our amazing Father in Heaven. So, I thought that I would (with their permission), post a few of the Godwinks shared with me, by some of my acquaintances whom I now call my friends. One of my newest acquaintances, Sherry, posted her Godwink in memory of her son, Austin. Here is what she shared:
“Out of nowhere my heart became heavy today. I decided to go to the park and sit on my son’s bench to feel close to him. As I got out of the car I saw a white haired lady sitting on a bench with her little white dog. The dog was not leashed and it headed straight for me. The lady stood up and asked me to help her get her dog into her car. I said sure, what is your dog’s name? She looked at me with a smile and said “Angel”. That was my sign of comfort from my son. Love you my son”.
Another new friend shared her Godwink this week by sending me this picture. In loving memory of her son Jacob, Jennifer shared this:
“My son was a passionate and talented guitar player. I was drawn to stop on a walk last week and looked down and found this stone right at my feet; a perfect guitar pic”.
What a treasure find!
During one of my “Wish You A Goode Journey” book talk events,David an organ recipient, shared that he had always had a dream of going to the Grand Canyon but due to his dibilitating illness never had the chance to go. After his double transplant and recovery, his parents gave he and his wife the gift of a trip to the Grand Canyon. David also shared that one of his favorite musicians is Dave Matthews and that he learned later on that his donor, Kevin, also loved Dave Matthews’ music. When David and his wife got on the plane to take their trip to the Grand Canyon, David plugged in his earbuds and the song that he heard first was a song sung by Kenny Chesney and Dave Matthews. The song’s title: “I’m Alive and Well”. Wow! What a perfect Godwink!
So today I am serving as a volunteer for New England Donor Services at a fundraiser called “Weezie’s Walk” in memory of my friend Louise. I love to share my daughter’s story to allow people to see what a BIG difference organ donation makes in the lives of recipients and their families, but also in the lives of donor families and friends as they share their loved one’s story. What a legacy my daughter has left! This mom will never let her be forgotten.
Brenda Taylor….walking in Kenzie’s memory
April is National Donate Life month. If you have not registered please consider this important last gesture of love that you can give at the end of your life. Below is the link where you can read more and register.
Pictured above is Stephanie (left) who gifted her dad one of her kidneys and pictured on the right is Jody who gifted her mom a kidney.
And pictured below is a new friend Joyce who works as a kidney transplant coordinator for Baystate Hospital.
There are no coincidences, only Godwinks! Because of the Godwinks, I have this hope and LIFE IS GOODE.
No matter how many times I consider this, I cannot wrap my head around how big Christ’s love is for us.The past few weeks I have been struggling with some self doubt and even some sadness mixed in. Recently there have been tragedies that have showed up in the lives of others within my community. Even though I feel that I am strong enough to be present in the lives of others who are grieving, I still find that I am affected in the aftermath. After attending two very sad events in just the course of a couple of weeks time, I went away with a heavy heart as I considered those who are just beginning their grief journey. It has taken me seven years to get to this place where I think that I will be able to help others. With God’s help, I will, as I continue to share that life is goode and God is best.
My prayer this week has been that God will re-ignite the flame from within me. What I mean by that, is that I have been living a purpose filled life since my daughter’s death by sharing her story. Truly this has kept me going. So now that the book is coming up on its one year anniversary, I have taken my foot off the gas as my passion has seemed to wane. Although it is of utmost importance to me to share Kenzie’s amazing story and God’s faithfulness throughout this journey, my perspective has changed some. This is where the self doubt has crept in to try to steal my positivity. That little voice in my head that jibber jabbers, questioning every motive and decision that I make. So I have been giving my self-doubt over to God in prayer as I ask Him to once again show up in a big way with His “Godwink” to reignite my passion. Yes, life is goode, and God is best. . Wait until you read about this Godwink!
One evening this week, I listened to a message that was waiting for me on my phone. It was a gentleman asking about the name of my book and where he could purchase it. I called him back and answered his questions. As I learned of his approximate location, I provided the name of a store nearby, that sells it. That was it; a short unexpected call from a stranger who wished to read the book. It gave me a spark to believe that there is interest still in “Wish You a Goode Journey”. I tossed and turned all night wondering about the call and whether it was someone who had suffered a loss, since he told me that a friend had recommended that he read my book. Perhaps I should have offered to meet this person and sign the book, which could have potentially opened up dialogue if he had a need to talk.
As I was headed out to an appointment the following day, I felt led to call the stranger back to let him know that I would be in a neighboring town for an appointment and that I could meet him to provide a signed copy if he preferred. I am not certain why I felt this compulsion since this gentleman had already planned to just go buy the book. It was agreed however, that we would meet at a local store. I arrived early and as I headed into the store I heard my name being called after me as I was motioned over to a parked car. As I was invited to, I opened the passenger side door and was asked to please get in the car. My inner voice cautioned me and I did not, but handed the book over to the person meeting me. Sensing my nervousness I guess, he reached up to the sun visor of his car and pulled out a familiar note card which he opened. I could see my handwriting and so I cautiously agreed to get into his car. My comment was “well I guess that I must know you, since that is obviously a card that I have written but, I don’t recognize who you are”. The man’s eyes filled with tears as he explained to me that he had just lost his wife to cancer. He went on to explain that he is also the father of one of Kenzie’s organ recipients. Wow!!! How could it be? This was the dad of one of the recipients that I have not met.. Because everything is done anonymously through the donor banks, it is ALMOST virtually impossible to know the identity of the donor and recipients alike. Communication by letters is made via third parties and any revealing identifying information shared in letters is blacked out. This dad explained to me that no one in his family knew that he was making contact nor had he intended to, until I reconnected with my phone call. He was merely going to go buy my book and give it to his family to read. He also told me that his wife had hoped to meet me so that she could personally thank me for Kenzie’s gift of life, but that now that would not happen. (My thought here is that she has already personally thanked Kenz as they have met in heaven). I asked my new friend when he would be sharing the book and he said he wished to give it to his family member ( Kenzie’s recipient) on their birthday which is in June and just happens to be the same day as my birthday)! What are the chances? Anyway, after a very nice exchange in conversation with this gentleman, we parted ways. I did not expect to hear from him or his family again until after my shared mutual birthday in June.
Snapped a pic of his cap, as I sat in his car “Life is Goode”
When I arrived at work early the very next morning I received a text from the man that I had met; this is what it said: “Marcy, I have to make another donation after reading your book. I plan on giving my daughter a copy to read. You WILL NOT believe this but I was reading my newspaper early this morning and in a section that I would have never glanced at was the name ” Kenzie Goode” Miss NH outstanding Teen 2017. I saved the paper. Let me know when I can get another copy. I would drive to meet you and maybe could meet Bob”. ( I want to encourage you to go ahead and do a web search for “Kenzie Goode, Miss NH Outstanding Teen 2017”). What are the odds that there is another Kenzie Goode and that this new friend would have read this story in a random section of the newspaper the following day that I had just met him? Yes, life is goode and God is best!
A perfect Godwink for my new friend, and me!
Oh my goodness! As I had asked God to re-ignite my passion for sharing Kenzie’s story, He did it in the most magnificent way. I had tossed and turned during the night after that initial phone call, feeling something tugging at my heart, my genuine concern for this gentleman as I wondered if he needed to share about a recent loss. I believe God was leading me to reach out and what a gift I received! I do believe God plants seeds of hope, and ideas for us to act on, but He desires that we first step out in faith.
So my husband Bob and I met this man this weekend and learned more about his family and one of the recipients of Kenzie’s organs. I realize just how closely our lives are truly aligned in this world and how God’s divine purpose is orchestrated and rendered if we simply trust Him as first in our lives.What a beautiful symphony has been enacted through my daughter’s life giving gifts. Through our biggest tragedy God has used her life and my experiences to show His love. Yes, life is goode, and God is best.
As we watch the evening news, we witness explicit actions of insecurity within our nation with much mistrust and antagonism. How can we possibly serve one another? What if we are called to entertain angels unaware.
Just after the “911” tragedy is when the insecurity began. I recall at that time we were told to report any unusual activity and I remember feeling very protective of my little family. It was a late Friday afternoon and my pot roast dinner was cooking. You can imagine the wonderful aroma of a New England pot roast with vegetables slow cooking in the crock pot. It was an Indian summer kind of day and with all the windows open the aroma brought to us a mystery guest. The kid’s dad came in from outside and asked me if I would prepare a plate for a visitor that happened into our driveway. She was an older woman who was homeless and had been walking from the midwest up through the east coast. All her wordly belongings were carried in two large trash bags. We had never encountered anyone like this before, and given our rural setting, it was an anomaly to see anyone walking on our street. Anyway, I loaded up a plate of potroast with vegetables and fresh corn on the cob for our visitor. We served her outside in a lawn chair in front of our parked camper. I kept the kids inside and went out and sat with her to learn more about her. Her name was Lylah. She told me that she had sold all her wordly posessions and was walking to share the Gospel. She shared with me her close relationship with the blessed Mother. Wow! Can you imagine having faith like that? She did not know where she was headed nor where she would sleep and did not know where her next meal would come from but knew in her heart that God would provide for her as He always had. After a talk with my husband we decided to invite her to stay in our camper for the night as the evening was fast approaching. She readily accepted and we got her all set up for the night. I did not invite her into our home however, and in retrospect wonder if I should have. I was on high alert and insecure following “911” and extremely protective of our children. Afterwards, however, the Bible verse came to my mind about entertaining angels:
1Let brotherly love continue. 2Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares. 3Remember them that are in bonds, as bound with them; and them which suffer adversity, as being yourselves also in the body.
In retrospect, I wished I had treated her to everything we had and feel that I may possibly have failed by not welcoming her into our home.
So after I considered that Bible verse, it reminded me of a time where I just may have been a co-participant in entertaining angels unaware.
Today is one of my dearest friend’s birthday. I have known my friend PJ since third grade. As I looked at pictures of her this morning, it brought me back to a trip that I took a few years ago when I viisited her in California. I was attending a convention but incorporated a mini vacation stay with she and her family. During the stay PJ invited me to share an experience with her and her daughter on the following Saturday morning. She explained that we would need to leave the house by 4:00a.m. to head into Los Angelos to feed the homeless. PJ and her family are involved in a ministry called Saturdays’ Blessings. Her family prepares approximately 100 sack lunches on their dining room table on the Friday evening before and transports them into the city to gift to the homeless. Not only was there food and toiletries, but also random donated clothing from their church that they shared as well.
Here is the group of girls that prepared the bagged lunches for Saturdays’ Blessings.
My Godwink! Here I am holding up a pair of zebra pants that appeared in the donated clothing as we were outfitting one of the ladies. See the light all around me? Thinking Kenzie my angel was there with us..enjoying the zebra pants!
I was excited to be a part of this endeavor on that dark and early morning but what transpired was not quite what I had expected. PJ and her daughter knew many of the faces as they were regular recipients of their Saturday gifts and they even spoke with a few of them as old buddies. There were two of the homeless friends that she especially wanted me to meet and she introduced each as if we were attending a social function. As I shook their hands, I realized how much she respected these people who were for whatever reason down on their luck and unable to find their way out of their circumstances. As we chatted with her friend “Louis”, she asked him if there was anything else that he needed. As we talked, we wound up on the subject of his love for art. He explained that he liked to draw portraits of movie stars and he soon headed back to his make shift shelter to grab some of his drawings to share with us. He even gifted PJ his drawing of Marilyn Monroe. I can imagine that it felt good for Louis to be able to give this gift to her, as he was giving something of himself as he shared his gift of art. His self esteem seemed re-inflated as we oooed and awed over his talent.
It was a great privilege to serve others that morning with PJ. It made me think more about how connected we all are as part of God’s family. Any one of those people could have been myself or PJ if life circumstances had been different. They all breathe, eat and sleep and experience emotions just as we do. I will never take my circumstances and blessings in life for granted again!
I also from time to time think of Lylah and wonder where she is sharing the gospel? I wonder how many miles she has walked and with whom she has interacted. God has a purpose for my life and also for yours. We’re not here to just sit back and be comfortable. When God shows up in our lives, I can confidently say that it is on purpose and for His purpose. By responding affirmatively we can be certain that He will take us on a journey like none other. And who knows? We just may entertain angels unaware.
Both sides of the streets were lined up with people sleeping .. we ran out of lunches
“And the King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of Mine, you did for Me
Never knowing where God’s inspiration will take me each week, the title of this piece popped into my mind, and I knew what I needed to share. I feel sure you have probably heard of a message in a …. bottle where a stranger’s walk on a beach reveals a treasure find as they come upon it washed up on the shore. This thought has always mesmerized me as a hope filled romantic. Years earlier my husband and I tossed our very own bottle with secret messages off the Atlantic coast after getting married. With longing and anticipation I wait for the call from a perfect stranger that our bottle has been discovered!
Anyway, over this past weekend I ventured into my daughter’s room, yet again, with the thought of going through her stuff to remove more “things” that may be easier to pass on this time around. After mere minutes I sent out a plea on social media that I needed help! I asked for ideas on how to go through her stuff to organize and decide what should stay and what could go. So many of my friends offered to come to my assistance and also provided unique ideas on what to do or how to memorialize some of her beautiful belongings. The following morning I ventured back into her room and decided to address her closet where the bulk of everything had been stored in boxes. The very first box that I opened revealed Kenzie’s CD collection and on top my first Godwink! Yes, God’s affirmation that I was moving in the right direction!
Wow! A very cool message from above. Was this Kenzie inspired? It gives me comfort to think that she is with me as I go through her things. My most important realization is that these were her things however she created the memories. Nothing can steal my memories. As I get older, my fear is that I might forget! So many suggestions came from my friends on how to preserve her things. As I chatted via text yesterday with a good friend, she shared a picture. My friend with her family had endured their own difficult journey after a house fire took everything including a beloved cat. Here is her text message:
Charlene: “This was my “Godwink”. On the day that I was sorting through stuff I found this folded piece of material in the driveway. It’s from a skirt that my mother had made when she was in high school 60+ years before! No other pieces of it were found anywhere. My mom had passed in 2002 and the skirt was hanging in my closet”.
I am amazed! So grateful when others share with me their Godwinks; God’s intervention in their lives and then their victories discovered in the journey. She also shared this, her thought:
Charlene: “I myself found that once I was able to let go, it was a big relief. The “things” are not what matters, the memories continue without them”.
Perfect! I can honestly say that now, seven years later, I am (almost) ready to let go.
The second Godwink that I received, as I waded through the memories in her closet, was when I came across her little porcelain tea set. With trepidation I took the box down from it’s shelf as I questioned in my mind if it was something that I felt ready to part with. My thought was that I would gift the tea set to her little cousins who would continue the sweet memory making for years to come. As I removed the little tea pot to hold it and savor the cherished memories, I discovered THE DIME that was resting under it . Do you see it there in the corner?
Wow! Another wonderful affirmation that it is truly o.k. to let go! The message in a…..teapot was my message in a ….bottle, treasure find. God is so faithful and His timing always perfect if we just wait on Him.
Sharing a beautiful verse: Romans 5:2-6
2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. 6 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.
Found this as I finished cleaning out her closet today. Love the Godwinks in Kenzie’s handwriting!
Trusting that as you wait on Him, with hope and grace, you will discover your message in a …. ! Amazing victory through the journey that you have been entrusted.
For several years now, since Kenzie’s passing, I have been receiving invitations to attend musical performances at Kenzie’s high school. The invitations initiated by the high school music director, Ms. Oliver, who is now also my friend. I have gotten to know Mandy over the past seven years after first meeting her at my daughter’s funeral. You see she directed the high school chorus as they sang at Kenzie’s service. The musical performances that she has since invited me to have included plays, variety shows, and spring and winter choral events to name a few. For the first two years she even held a special event in Kenzie’s memory called “Calliope Cafe” where ticket sales went to the Makenzie Goode Memorial Scholarship fund. How grateful I am to her for her presence in the lives of those grieving students. I believe that more than the fundraising aspect of her endeavor, it enabled Kenzie’s peers, in their grief, to face the music by honoring their friend in their own artistic contributions of instrumental music, song and dance. Wow! How brilliant. On a personal note, I have only attended one of these events and have since begged off even after committing, with every excuse imaginable. I have been fearful that it would hurt too much. I was not ready to face the music.
This past week was different in that I agreed to and followed through by attending a choral performance called “Ten Years Together” in recognition of Ms. Oliver’s ten years of teaching music at the school. She recently experienced a loss of her own, as her once high school bestie passed suddenly last month. She explained to me that she wanted to dedicate a song in her friend’s memory as well as Makenzie’s and asked permission to share a picture of my daughter. I agreed but wondered in my own mind how difficult attending this musical program might actually be for me. I decided to face the music on Friday evening. I had no one accompanying me, so I had no one to put on my happy face for. It was just me sitting towards the back of the darkened auditorium waiting for the music to begin. As I sat there alone so many random thoughts entered my mind. I wondered if Kenzie may have sat on any occasion, in the seat that I was seated in. I thought of her friends and that urgent senior meeting that they had been called to on January 29th, in the same auditorium where they were then informed about Kenzie’s accident. I remembered attending in June of 2010, her senior classes’ Awards Night when I had gotten up on stage and passed out scholarships to the senior girls’ varsity soccer team players. That was a painful memory for me recalling that I bit my quivering lip, and held back my own tears as her tear-filled friends came across the stage to shake my hand, hug me and receive their envelope.
So as I sat there, I wondered if her fun-loving spirit was still running through the halls with her infectious laughter. Many emotions came bubbling to the surface, now seven years later. Feelings of immense sadness, and even envy as I looked around me to witness the parents sitting in that auditorium ready to hear and enjoy the music of their own children. I understood that most seated there in the room with me, had never known my daughter nor me, and that they would probably never have to go through this experience. And then for one brief moment I panicked and thought about bolting to the exit, to the outside and on to the soccer field where I could run aimlessIy and perhaps with my mind’s eye kick random shots at the goal. I had the thought that maybe my daughter might even join me out there. And then finally, in my mind, retreating to her memory garden, seated on her bench to engage in one sided conversation with my beautiful daughter. So, finally the music began and as it played on I started to relax and listen as I closed my eyes and marveled at the carefully chosen words for me! The song “Home” by Phillip Phillips was sung by the chorus and I decided at that time to claim the words as my own. At the end of the concert, Ms. Oliver announced her song of dedication for her high school bestfriend and also for our Makenzie. . Before she sang, she explained that the same song was sung in 2010 following Kenzie’s death. The song: “Smile” by Charlie Chaplin. It was perfect and accompanying it was a video presentation of pictures; memories of our sweet girlfriends. ( My daughter was also my best friend).
Sharing this beautiful rendition of Charlie Chaplin’s song “Smile”, sung by Barbara Streisand .
So leaving that concert on Friday night, I was an emotional mess! Even after seven intense years on this emotional journey, i still had tears to shed. I have learned an important lesson however, that God has given us emotions for a reason. To hide from these emotions is to rob oneself of God’s provision for our healing. I have learned that there are several stages to grief and they don’t necessarily come in any specific order, nor any particular time table. But i know for certain that hope can be found when we pray to our loving Father as he walks with us and we face the music. And yes, it’s o.k. to smile.
Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise Him again my Savior and my God! ( NLT) Psalm 42:5
Kenzie’s accident site… picture courtesy of Fran Palazzo ( one of Kenzie’s besties)
The thought of giants has consumed me for over a month now. I have heard about giants in the lyrics of the songs that I listen to. Not always named, but as I dwell on the message of the song, the thought comes back to me. I would like to mention here that I pray every week for wisdom and discernment about God’s message and that it will be revealed through my writing. There may be someone who needs to read it and if not, well then I am journaling for my own needs as I meditate on God’s personal message for me! Never knowing what I will blog about each week, this little Godwink ( I suppose) came to me yesterday. Do you remember the movie “Honey I shrunk the Kids”? O.K., so I am calling it my Godwink as I had this compulsion to buy the movie yesterday. My children liked the movie back in the day and so I purchased it for my grandson. Just another silly thought about giants that jumpstarted this week’s post.
So my question is: what is, not who is, the giant in your life? My life? And what are you doing to slay that giant? My thought here is that giants can appear as an insurmountable mountain in our seemingly unattainable achievements in life. That heart wrenching, God given desire in our life that inspires us to be more than we can ever imagine. It’s summit appears so high up in the clouds that it disappears sometimes from our sight as we saunter away in life, the path that God has presented us. Your giant is your “why”, “your why that makes you cry”. But this week another idea has invaded my thoughts in that other giants also can show up as obstacles in our lives, demons if you will, that can create temptation, greed, and even improprieties that prevent us from being all that God has and desires for us. I heard a Bible verse yesterday as I listened to the radio and the verse has stuck with me:
“And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away from you. It is better for you to lose one of your body parts than to have your whole body go into hell.” Matthew 5:30 (New International Version)
Wow! That hit home with me. Is it possible that while I thought that I was slaying my giant, in pursuit of my God given why, that another giant stood tall in front of me, undetected and preventing God’s best for me? So now what? Is it possible that my path to the summit needs to be recalculated or do I slay that giant now right in front of me, cut it off, and continue on the quest to God’s bigger purpose for my life? I have to say that, for me, it will take so much more than a slingshot to slay this one, as I remember and contemplate the Sunday school story of David and Goliath.
So as I have been inspired with the thought of giants lately, I want to encourage you to find and listen to a song sung by Francesca Battistelli named “Giants Fall” as you will truly be blessed.
Here are some of the lyrics:
Giants Fall By: Francesca Battistelli
Everyone’s telling you To let go of what you’re holding to It’s too late, too far You’re too small, it’s too hard Throwing water on that spark Living deep inside your heart With oceans of reasons The things you’re not seeing But oh, maybe they don’t Know what you know That you’re not alone
Don’t you be afraid Of giants in your way With God you know that anything’s possible So step into the fight He’s right there by your side The stones inside your hand might be too small But watch the giants fall
We could really live like this Can’t you imagine it So bold, so brave With childlike faith Miracles could happen Mountains would start moving So whatever you may face
Don’tyou be afraid Of giants in your way With God you know that anything’s possible So step into the fight He’s right there by your side The stones inside your hand might be too small But watch the giants fall
I watched a link on “Youtube” this morning about the story of David and Goliath from the movie, “The Bible”. I am including it here for you to watch as it will inspire you to seek great things in God’s name, and I want to leave you with this thought:
Just imagine what giant you can slay with God’s provisions in your life. Just watch the giant fall!
As of a few days ago, I have been through seven January’s since our daughter’s passing. My least favorite month of the year. I can’t really explain it, the underlying anxiety that I feel, as it’s nothing that I have experienced with the passing of any other family member. In past years I have re-lived the moments of that day of her accident and consequent death and have had a tendency to gravitate to the sadness. Why? I suppose there are some very deep buried emotions to include guilt, although I know with my head and my heart that I have no responsibility for what happened on that cold January morning. But moms are suppose to be able to fix everything for their children, right? So ,how is it that I can be now smiling from the inside out?
This week I have been connected with friends of the families of two children who have just passed. One of my friends asked me to be available to meet with the mother of her deceased college friend. My other friend agreed to meet with me soon to discuss the loss of her son’s best friend who was his college room mate. She told me that she is at a loss with how to help her son get through this tragedy. So I have to wonder how God will use me in our meeting and conversations, and will I be able to show God’s face to them and His amazing grace. One of the quick messages on my phone that I texted to her was: “I hope you believe in heaven, it is our hope; we will see our children again”. I felt the need to ask my friend this question because she had told me that they are “not a religious group”, and actually even apologized to me for it. I told her not to be sorry but, that my faith had carried me through losing Makenzie. She remarked that she knew, but had never been to church. So I guess that I want to mention here to anyone who does not attend church, that they can still call on God and He will be there for them in the midst of life and its’ circumstances. He will always show up, if we ask. He wants us to call on Him, so that He can comfort us and show us how much he deeply cares and loves us. I know some would question why a loving God would allow tragedy and the loss of such young lives. All that I can say from my own experience, is that accidents and illness happen and that they become an integral part of the bigger plan and lesson that He has for us. It is not something that we necessarily recognize and it may take years for us to understand and willingly grasp how God is using the painful lessons in our life.
Yesterday at work my co-worker stopped me at her desk and told me she was dedicating a song to me and then made me stop and listen to it with her. The song? “Let It Be”, by The Beatles. I can honestly say that I had never really listened to the lyrics in applying them in the context of my own story. I had just chalked it up to those free-spirited souls that want to spread peace, love and harmony in our world. But the words really have contents… christian contents, as it speaks about Mary, the mother of Jesus appearing to comfort us. Here are just some of the lyrics…
“Let It Be” By: Paul McCartney
When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.
And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree,
There will be an answer, let it be.
And though they may be parted there is
Still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be,
Let it be, let it be.
Yeah there will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be,
Let it be, let it be.
Yeah there will be an answer, let it be.
And though the night is cloudy,
There is still a light that shines on me,
Shine until tomorrow, let it be.
So, I guess my post this week is to follow-up from my heart break of seven years ago, and to hopefully encourage anyone reading this that your grief will change. I sense a nudge here to share an entry of my journal that I started soon after her death. I was so very sad but prayerfully asking God to show me the way. It’s amazing how He will show up if we only invite Him.
This is what my journal entry says:
” I’m now in week four, coming up on the one month anniversary and so depressed. I have talked to her daily asking her for a sign, to let me know she is still with me, watching over me. Yesterday I went into her room and found her DVD “The Phantom of the Opera”, sitting on her TV. This shocked me. She and I had watched it together several years ago at my sister’s. We both loved it. I bought the movie for her a few years ago at Christmas but she never opened it. It was stored away in the back of all her DVDs. I was shocked to see it had been opened and watched?, but moreover now sitting on her TV. Was this one of her signs for me? I pray daily that God will allow Kenzie to speak to me. Last night when I woke up ( I never wake up in the middle of the night). I sensed that Kenzie was standing at my side of the bed. She spoke to me. In my mind I heard her say: “thank you mama, thankyou mama”. ( in her little girl voice) and then in her (most recent) teenager voice she also told me that I need to go to Kayla. I asked her ( in my mind) if Kayla was in trouble- she said “yes”.
Kenzie with Bestie Kayla.. last home varsity soccer game.
Pictured is Kenz and I at her last home soccer game. Next to pic … my journal
When people ask me for advice on how to get through such a loss I usually encourage journaling. It is a way to receive private therapy sessions in your very own personal time and space. I also encourage prayer. How amazing prayer works, just private conversations with God, our loving creator. And, when friends ask how they can help, enlist their prayers as well.
So here it is seven years later and her loss is still felt but, I can honestly say that with time and through all the Godwinks, from His light that shines on me, I am smiling now from the inside out! Let it be…. let it be.
Our church meeting room has recently taken on a new look. I am not certain if I missed a particular memo or a Sunday sermon that would explain the many doors that stand at the front of our worship sanctuary, but I am intrigued by their presence. So intrigued that I took a picture last Sunday.
As I thought about these doors, it brought me to the thought that the doors could represent the opportunities and the choices that we are given in each day, in the many facets of our lives. Should we knock, ask, and trust? Also at the front of the sanctuary are two very large words on the wall in the background, “I AM”.
The “I AM” has brought me to the thought of the ultimate choice we are given in life: to accept or reject faith in a most amazing God, and our choice to trust Him.
So I started to think about areas in my life when I have made poor choices which led me down a path of decline and at times even personal destruction. I believe with my heart that even the bad choices can work for good if we recognize and grow from the lessons that are there for us. There are so many doors ( opportunities ) that are available to each of us however it is up to us whether we go through those doors after thoughtful contemplation. If we enlist the help of God and His infinite wisdom, through prayer to help us with our decisions, we can go confidently through the door to fulfill our predestined purpose. I love that my mind gives me so many ideas, and concepts to accept or reject as I see signs that I believe are God given. Hints along my way, as I follow my map and God given compass to the treasures He has for me.
Many times I plead with God to close those doors that need not be available to me as my human discernment often chooses the easiest path. But, I think that God wants us to be dependent on Him as any loving father would with his children. He desires for us to ask, wait on his answer and to trust Him.
So how do we know when we should act affirmatively when we are presented with an opportunity or when we sense an urge to make a decision that is a bit uncomfortable or out of our comfort zone? I believe that we should pray for peace, inner peace and follow the signs for the doors that may be opening, and pray, pray, pray that God will intervene to make sense of it all as He shows us.
My husband and I recently had a very big and unsettling decision to make. A door so big that it would change the direction of our lives. We felt called to trust Him and His perfect timing, which we did. Although the outcome was not what we anticipated, I can honestly say I feel at peace knowing that with prayer and submission we did what we could and the door closed. We will pause and wait to see if the door swings open again. Wheww!!! It is comforting to have a heavenly Father that we can call on and place our assurance.
I recall attending a Sunday worship service at Pilgrim Pines years ago when I was a young mother. This place was a favorite place where our family camped in the summertime. The speaker of that service asked members of the audience to provide a word, one word that described Jesus and their relationship to Him. Although I was not bold enough back then to speak about and share my faith, I listened in earnest for what others might share. The one response that stuck in my mind all these years, was the word “Lap”. The woman that offered this one descriptive word explained that she thought of Christ, her heavenly father, as having a giant lap that she could crawl up in as she goes to Him for wisdom, protection and the love that only a heavenly father could offer. I like that! I can picture my relationship with my own dad as a small child and how I would wriggle in beside him in his big recliner chair to sit with him, feeling loved and protected.
Thinking now of all the times that Christ has carried me in my hurt, indecisiveness, and in my risk taking too. He is always there when I stand at the door and knock, always! Even though He allows me to wait sometimes for a bit longer than I prefer, before answering. Trust is huge in every relationship, especially in our relationship with God.
So I wanted to share another door as well. A door that I saw one day on a random noontime walk. It was leaning up in a back hallway as if discarded and there was a computer generated sign taped on it that read: “You Are Here To Serve”. And so I supposed that this was a Godwink intended for me, as I had taken a detour on my walk that day. And so I will walk through that door daily by saying yes to God’s purpose for my life as I serve Him. How about you? What doors have been opened to you lately? What are your plans ? Will you seek God first in whether or not to walk through? And if the door closes, will you graciously go on without resistance trusting that this is His will?
Matthew 7:7-8 “Continue to ask, and God will give to you. Continue to search, and you will find. Continue to knock, and the door will open for you. Yes, whoever continues to ask will receive. Whoever continues to look will find. And whoever continues to knock will have the door opened for them.
Excited to share that New England Donor Services featured Makenzie’s story in their Winter/Spring newsletter that just published. They contacted me back in the fall and invited me to write an article about Kenzie’s life saving gifts.The timing for this publication is good as January is the anniversary month of Kenzie’s death. I feel grateful to be able to honor her and her memory in this way. Here is the piece that I wrote:
You can’t have a perfect day without doing something for someone who’ll never be able to repay you”. John Wooden, Legendary UCLA Basketball Coach -(Public Quote)
Kenzie’s Perfect Day
As I lay here propped up on my daughter’s bed, I write about that fateful January morning as she drove to school nearly seven years ago. Makenzie, our seventeen year old daughter, sister, and best friend walked out of our lives. She suffered a traumatic brain injury as a result of her accident hitting snow and ice on her way to school. To say that it was life changing would be an understatement. Gratefully, I can say that as her mom, I have been given an extra chapter to my sweet girl’s story with the abundance of the lifesaving gifts that she gave. The decision to let our daughter go and then to donate her organs was the most difficult and most important decision of all of our lives. I remember telling the transplant coordinator that I NEEDED to hear from the recipients. I asked her to please relay this and she promised that she would.
The first letter came soon and it was good for me as I learned how Kenzie’s liver saved a dad, husband and grandfather. The letter was written by the man’s three sons. I remember the relief I felt to receive it and I instantly sat down and penned a reply and general letter to all of the recipients. The recipients needed to know about my daughter and her life and of how blessed they were to receive such a healthy gift from our daughter a talented young soccer player. I received letters from some of the other recipients that first year, and now have met, become friends, with three of my daughter’s organ recipients. To watch one young adolescent girl blossom as she shared her life with me, was heart- warming, as she shared prom pictures and high- school graduation pictures. I know that she understands the magnitude of Makenzie’s gifts. Another blessing is the friendship that I have with our daughter’s pancreas recipient and his family. I attended the wedding of his eldest daughter which was emotional to witness as this dad proudly walked her down the aisle. Wow! Our daughter truly has made her mark on this world. And finally to know the person who is the caretaker of our beautiful daughter’s heart is incredible. He has her sense of humor and has even remarked that as an x-Marine, he feels emotion like he has never experienced before. I feel lovingly connected to this sweet gentleman.
Pictured is Larry(the caretaker of Kenzie’s heart, his wife Mary, and myself -fall 2016
This life giving decision was made in accordance with how Kenzie lived her life with love and compassion. I thank my daughter and best friend for Kenzie’s best gift that has also evolved me as a person. To experience first-hand the lives that have been changed and to see how she lives on in this world is a miracle. God has used this for His grand purposes to bless so many lives including mine.
Here is my poem about this transformation:
Life was so content in my little world,
I thought I had it all as I had my boy and girl
God called me to change, spun tight in my cocoon
Robbed of life as I knew it, it happened way too soon
Never had I a thought that it would occur one fateful morn
My metamorphosis in life, my faith to be reborn
As the tears fell by the buckets and my soul reached searing pain
He brought me out of sorrow; would not allow my bane
My healing started slowly as i stepped out in my faith
And realized He was using this to bring me to my laith
Joy was granted freely in the God winks that He used
Allowing Kenzie’s presence to keep me smiling and amused
Zebra stripes and purple are frequent treasure finds
Mapping out my course as I find her little dimes
A gift of a distant trip to Barbados we would trek
New friends He called me to share with…. I now realize their affect
“Keep calm cuz I love you mom” her precious note discovered
Her birthday gift to me as she celebrated me, her mother
The treasure finds would bless me, Tree of Life became a sign
I knew the meaning, its’ true origin… His Biblical design
God used her gifts, as well as mine, to lead others and myself to seek Him first
To connect all the puzzle pieces …quenching life’s immeasurable and foremost thirst
As I was called to share the God winks in our book “Wish You A Goode Journey”
It started with a Chinese fortune and continues with her annual soccer tourney
The butterfly His symbol to show me she is near
It was a sign of my metamorphosis, through faith in Christ, exquisitely so dear
Now that our book is written with prayers that it will offer a beam of light
This is a sad and darkened world, may eyes that are blinded be open to his delight.
Death is the cocoon that attempts to hold us from the healing door.
Of heaven’s new mercies, wings gifted, if accepted, will allow one to soar.
WHAT THE CATERPILLAR CALLS THE END OF THE WORLD, THE MASTER CALLS A BUTTERFLY
As I drove into work this morning, my radio and its’ announcer caught my attention. The DJ was talking about faith and asked this question: “how deep is your faith”? Funny thing is that a similar discussion occurred by a different radio announcer just last evening as I was listening to the radio during my drive home after work. So I have to stop and wonder if God is trying to get my attention. As I continued to drive in the darkness this morning, I considered that faith question. Although I ‘d like to think that my faith is rock solid, I entertain thoughts of doubt more times than I care to admit. My wavering faith happens in random circumstances. I should not be doubting our God of the universe nor have any doubt with respect to His provisions and plans for my life. Sometimes I think it stems from my impatience. Waiting for God is good for us. If we believe and allow His perfect plan to unfold, a bounty of blessings are manifested and sometimes only realized retrospectively.
I can relate to it this way as I compare the smaller blessings to individual petals on a blossom of an exquisite flower. By looking closely at each petal one can see intricate texture, design and color and possibly even a hint of fragrance can be detected. But when the blossom is experienced in its fullness only then can it be truly appreciated. Yes, God’s timing and plan are perfect, always.
Lately I have sensed that God is asking me to take on something that seems daunting; beyond my limitations. Have you ever been compelled to try something that requires you to step out in faith and out of your comfort zone? The idea may in some ways seem exhilarating but also overwhelming and even frightening. We are called to trust God in everything and with our very lives. When we ignore or dismiss the call for change out of fear, we actually short change ourselves as we are eliminating the probability of the bigger blessings that God has in store for us.
My Godwink came this morning early as I was driving to work listening to that radio announcer asking the question: how deep is your faith? I started to have a quiet dialogue in my mind with God asking Him about the doubts that I’ve been experiencing regarding the task that I am feeling led to. I asked God if I had been mistaken? As I drove on that dark road I came up behind the car in front of me and saw my Godwink!
I followed this car all the way to work. I got into the wrong lane at the stoplight just so I could snap this picture. I wonder what the driver was thinking!! Ha ha
So I will continue to trust, wait on God, and believe.
In lieu of New Year’s resolutions, some of my business associates and friends are posting on social media their personal word for 2017. Their chosen word is one of significance that they will own for the upcoming year to help facilitate their goals, their passions, and perhaps aid in accountability. Here is my friend Julie’s chosen word.
Julie: I chose my word for 2017!
OBSESSED… Obsessed with God Obsessed with my marriage Obsessed with my family Obsessed with my Business Obsessed with my Budget Obsessed with my Health Obsessed with my friendships! What a Year it will be!!! Reflection of 2016 is complete I am a work in progress… Success is being a step closer each and every day to the Best Version of me God created me to to be!
Thanks Julie, I adore you and your chosen word. I like how you will incorporate it into your life.
So I decided to choose my word for 2017, I choose BELIEVE
*Believe not doubt
*Believe in others and their potential, as well as my own
*Believe that there is good in the world
*Believe that there is hope for our country and our planet
*Believe in God’s calling and purpose in my life
*Believe in and wait patiently for His plan to unfold
Jesus said to him, “Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. NIV